!!!

Remember when I was saying how Kyan Douglas (god) appeared to me in the form of a squirrel eating a lollypop? (The squirrel was cute, what with his little santa claus beard and white robe and all.) Since then, the dude hasn't appeared to me once. What-the-F-gives?

I totes lack words how to describe what's been happening inside my noggin in the past few days. This thing has creeped up on me and...hmmm...let me give a few anecdotes about stuff that's happened:

1. I got a "sober haircut." There is no such thing in AA as a sober haircut, but for the past week or so I've been itching to totally change my hairstyle for the sake of sobriety. Before yesterday, my hair was something like a cross between Harvier Bardem's in "No Country for Old People," and an expensive mop. I imagined it perfectly showed the world what my taste in music was (garage, punk, grage punk, and glam). Yeah, read that last sentence again. Like it was real important to me for the world to know I wasn't a square? Jeez! Who-the-F-cares?! I'm not totes thrilled with my hair now (AA peeps have told me it looks "young professional," a lot less geico caveman and a lot more like "Tom Cruise." (Really? A guy told me that and I groaned, "Agh! That guy is the WORST!" before I quickly realized it was a compliment and mumbled, "Thank you, that's a very nice thing to say to someone.").

2. Mood swings. I've had mood swings here and there, but not like this. They go from (don't know why this quote sticks in my head lately, but) that line in MacBeth, "Yet do I fear thy Nature, It is too full of the milk of human kindness." At these times I may as well be a cartoon archtype of a happy guy, what with birds chirping on my shoulder and cats playing fiddle at my feet and all. One perceived slight later, and "Ye done pissed in my milk of human kindness, and I do throw up on my wig and throw it at your face and say 'bitche, make me a sandwiche.' " (From the adult movie "MacBeth II: Deez Nutz."). These rapid declinations feel wreched. I'm sleepy but can't sleep, hungry but can't eat, hyperaware of everything but unable to remember it. At times like these I get spiritual all up in there, so

3. Feeling my Higher Power, how you say, taking over. The biggest thing on my mind is this newfangled and newfound religious feeling that's taken root. This is a big deal, yo, but I hesitate to talk about it. Why? For one thing, whenever someone talks about spirituality, more often than not it's complete mush. Total nosense. An absolute fucking waste of words. Why? Because (I invite debate here) real religious feeling defies logic. Since it defies logic, it defies grammar and syntax. Therefore it cannot be communicated. Hence this blog post is full of pointless asides and parentheses. Since you can't communicate religious feeling, you cannot talk about it without either lying or being coercive. I could be way off base here, and look forward to my views on this evolving, but for now, I feel like talking about religious experience is basically an act of violence.

Hence, you can only talk about religious experience by talking about what it is not. In theology this tradition is called "negative theology," and in western philosphy it's known as the ineffable. AA is a perfect example of this theory in praxis: before we entered the rooms, we lacked a spiritual what-have you. After we got into the program, we have one. Since we can only talk about what spirituality is not, most of what AA's talk about is all the horrors in their previous modes of living.

Make sense? No? Oh well.